Date: 27 Apr 2000
From: Laura
Subject: Question/Advice

Dear Scamper Advice Unit,

Okay, let's see, it's the year 2000...

I think that we understand that at this point in time women do not need to change their last names when they get married. Got it! I should hope that most non-somnambulant women understand that. We are not property.

Laura Fathersdaughter


We consider ourselves experts on the subject of women, and so are happy to share some of what we've learned over the years. It's safe to say that women hate to be picked up. We speak from experience on this. Whether in an office environment, or out on the sidewalk, one should not lift a woman off her feet unannounced. Not only will the little legs kick and thrash, but you will be treated to an aural assault the likes of which are rare outside of farm combine accidents. An additional thing we've learned is that a conciliatory pat on the head does not actually make things "all better." To the contrary, this seemingly harmless act will often be followed by a volley of blows to one's face and neck, or, where short women are concerned, to the arm and back. (Groin injuries are discussed in another article.)

What's to be learned from these two observations? Women, it turns out, often eschew comfort in favor of pleasing - typically - males, and to gain status with other womenfolk. (We could actually say similar things about the men type people, but we don't stare at them nearly as much.) Apparently, this sacrifice has made them deeply resentful, and liable to snap at any given moment, whether or not they are "pretty" or "fit for lifting up off their feet."

So why is it that many women still observe traditions that are possibly outdated in these arguably enlightened times? Well allow us to illustrate: There are separate teams who work on the interiors and exteriors of cars. Only lately have they started to work together. There are still some older cars that are bigger on the inside than on the outside... but that's mainly quantum physics, and so the cars are very expensive when they exist at all.

But that doesn't answer your question.

We here at are happy with that answer, though we also find it alarming. We are of the belief that we should write a big unwieldy book of out-of-box anecdotes, like Martha Stewart on acid. We will remain poised to say something useful, but then we might become distracted and forget. "You know tools and equipment? Well one good thing you can do with or find it or something you can do with these kinds of things so hopefully you can too." We believe that there may be a huge market for that kind of help. Shit.

Do you feel threatened by our casual use of profanity?