Infomercial

Look at that woman, will you?

Mmm?

She looks old, doesn’t she?

Her? She sure does. I’ll bet she’s 70.

And you can see every year on her. It’s too bad that she didn’t have Juvox in her day.

Jew-vox? As in “voice of the Jews?” What’s that?

No, silly! It’s only the most revolutionary, most effective vim-restoring system ever devised, and it’s got more than Jews talking about it.

It sounds like I’ve really been missing out!

Well fortunately we’re not a moment too late. Let me tell you about the wonders of Juvox. You lead an active life, but somewhere along the way you’ve lost the passion you had when you were younger.

It’s true, I really have.

You look disheveled at best, your features have all stretched toward the floor and melted together like wax, and your friends all share one thing in common: A strong sense of sympathy.

Boy, I feel terrible.

But what if I told you that there was a way to restore your youthful vigor? To put the fight back in your fists, and to regain that nervous energy you felt as you saw someone cute from across the compound?

I’d say who’s your supplier!

Ha ha. Well it’s not a drug, per se. And Juvox isn’t just a topical cream either. We call it the Juvox Vim-Restoration System. By going step by step through our specially designed process, you’ll be tampering with your chemical makeup in ways that mother nature could never have foreseen.

But is Juvox safe?

It sure is! Juvox is all natural, and is made from only two base ingredients.

That’s really amazing! How can Juvox be so effective without containing at least several industrial grade pollutants?

Well the methods of extraction and refinement are proprietary, but I’ll tell you that Juvox contains only death row inmate testosterone, and the sweet, soft forehead sections from third world babies.

You’re kidding!

And as for potency, nothing else comes close. The steroid hormone testosterone is one of the essential building blocks of aggression. It’s also primarily male—that’s how the inmates got to where they are! So we went right to the source. Juvox is infused with enough testosterone to bring the gleam back the the eyes of a cataract patient.

But isn’t it difficult to extract enough testosterone?

It was at first, but Vitubus, Inc.—the makers of Juvox—forged many mutually advantageous relationships with judges in several southern states in the early 90s, and access to dead men walking was as easy as electrocution!

But didn’t the Supreme Court recently rule that it was unconstitutional for judges rather than juries to decide whether to sentence a killer to death?

It’s true that there have been setbacks in the capital appellate process. But that’s why Vitubus, Inc. wasn’t content just to rely on hushed mandatory donations from inmates. Thanks to several key scientific advances Vitubus, Inc. hedged its bets by employing orchidectomy to populate its own testicle farms, and now the supply of grade A testosterone is on the rise, so to speak!

Ha ha.

And when you talk about soft, supple skin, what’s the one thing do you always use for comparison?

Why the foreheads of babies, of course!

Exactly. And we’ve scoured the planet and set up Missions in several of the most impoverished countries you could ever hope to find. People there are never lacking for babies, and these babies in particular have some of the softest foreheads in the world! Most people in these cultures simply have no access to the nutrients essential to building strong bones, and as a result infants often keep their soft foreheads until the age of about three! By fostering a belief in ritual trepannation, Vitubus Missions have more vital tissue than they know what to do with.

Wow. But hold on a second—isn’t eating babies wrong?

Not according to the Bible. And Juvox comes in a refreshing gum too, for people on the go!

Convenient!

Yes. Let me tell you, the results are just amazing. For the past four months I’ve been using the system myself.

How old are you anyway?

I’m 24!

Holy mother of fuck!

Mm hmm! The Juvox Vim-Restoration System isn’t available in stores, but if you call the number on your screen one of our operators will work with you to come up with a payment plan that works for you.

That sounds too good to be true.

You should start using it as soon as you can. And, as anyone on death row can tell you, the clock is ticking!

I’m going to call right away!

Operators are standing by.

Related Tales

» “Being You” (01 of Jan, 2005)
» “A Hero's Lament” (09 of Dec, 2004)
» “Failure” (14 of Jun, 2004)

Comments

• Ingeniously written, very humorous and alarmingly reflective of present-day marketing. But where can I order some of the stuff?

  quoth Marc Lee on 17 of Jan, 2003