Date: Sat, 03 Jan 2004
From: Paula Vasquez
Subject: Perpetually Single!
Why are all my friends getting married?
It's probably because of you. Look, if someone is already happy, then they're probably not going to find the motivation to do anything different. There is no greater demotivator than happiness. People don't seek happiness unless they're unhappy. So a more accurate question might be, "Why is the happiness I share with my friends not enough of an opiate to keep them from looking for relationships?"
But of course the subtext to your question is, "Why is everyone finding nice people to marry except for me?" It's a good question, which is why we decided to do a little investigating. Despite your singledom, you're smart, witty, and attractive. None of your core beliefs are too extreme, and you're open minded and curious to learn. You also have a unique and engaging personality. So why do people flee from you?
Well, we're sorry to report that you also have a really serious family curse, which kind of creeps us out. We don't even feel comfortable discussing it in detail, except to say that yours is the tenth generation after a fairly major historical incident involving mimes and baby-eating. Unfortunately it's the tenth generation where things were supposed to start getting really grim, so we're actually surprised you've made it as far as you have. We would suggest finishing what you need to finish as soon as possible.
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