scamper labs

Frequently Asked Questions

Scamper Labs has been causing controversy, both online and off, since its inception more than two decades ago. In an attempt to address the questions most frequently sent to Scamper Labs by overly-concerned people, we are posting this FAQ.

I noticed that you write. What inspires you? Where do you get your ideas?
I really enjoy the stories you write. Are they true?
Some of the pages on Scamper Labs cause an error in my browser. What’s wrong?
Some of the blogs I read are updated daily, or even more often than that. Why don’t you post more often?
I really like the [___] on your site. Would you mind if I used it on my site too?
Scamper Labs is my favorite website! If I link to you will you link to me?
You are a talented writer. Would you like to critique my writing?
Are you as much of a jerk in real life as you seem on the inter-net?
I’m buying a new computer. Will I be able to get Scamper Labs on my new computer?
We’re moving to a different home. Will we be able to receive Scamper Labs after we move?
I may be pregnant. Is Scamper Labs safe for potential mothers to use?

1. I noticed that you write. What inspires you? Where do you get your ideas?

A. You must first understand that our dreams are mysterious, inscrutable dreams. We are deep, and do the simplest of things in complex, and sometimes sinister ways. Given these facts, it is, in fact, difficult for us to avoid creating art. The drool pattern on our pillowcase is fodder for a compelling story. When we are in pain it is poetry, and when we are happy people want to kiss us. In other words, we write because that’s what we are for, much like a shark exists only to eat, or like birds exist to laugh at us incessantly. (top)

2. I really enjoy the stories you write. Are they true?

A. Our great grandfather Giuseppe used to tell us, “Rosetta, a life without truth is not worth living, and a life without lies is not worth remembering.” We were never sure why he called us Rosetta, but maybe it’s the same thing that made him bark, “Chiudere il becco!” to his left hand incessantly. (top)

3. Some of the pages on Scamper Labs cause an error in my browser. What’s wrong?

A. When this happens it is the Internet’s way of telling you that you are a cry-baby, and what are you going to do? Tell? Go on and cry, you little whiny-ass baby. The best way to address this situation is to turn off your computer and then to put your thumb in your mouth until naptime is over. (top)

4. Some of the blogs I read are updated daily, or even more often than that. Why don’t you post more often?

A. First, it’s important to point out that Scamper Labs is a fully-functioning and accredited laboratory. As such, our research must be afforded the time required to present only the highest quality findings. To cut corners would only be to the detriment of society, and perhaps to its peril. Second, a moment of well-earned silence for those who have forgotten the difference between talking and saying something. (top)

5. I really like the [___] on your site. Would you mind if I used it on my site too?

A. We’re thrilled whenever we learn that people have enjoyed some aspect of our site. It is, in fact, an emotion outweighed only by the zeal of our intrepid band of lawyers who take such opportunities as these to cast their eager eyes toward their next mark. Though the creative staff here at Scamper Labs remain, as ever, pacifists, we have no control over the behavior of our legal branch should you deign to “repurpose” certain of our original elements without permission. After our lawyers have unleashed their rather original brand of justice, you may not find yourself with the faculties to articulate the atrocities to your mother as she waits nervously at your bedside in the Intensive Care wing of your local hospital. The relentless cloud of apathy that visits your family will be referred to in careful tones by people you thought of as friends. But regardless, we insist that you continue to enjoy Scamper Labs with healthy caution. Should you happen upon any of the unfortunate souls who’ve sought to pilfer from Scamper Labs in times past, we would urge you to treat them with gentle pity, and be respectful enough to ignore their clumsy throat-clutching gestures. (top)

6. Scamper Labs is my favorite website! If I link to you will you link to me?

A. We would really like to. Quite a lot in fact! The only problem is that if we did that then Scamper Labs would no longer be our favorite website. A slightly more realistic plan would be for you to dismantle your own website so that it will not distract you from visiting Scamper Labs as much as possible. (top)

7. You are a talented writer. Would you like to critique my writing?

A. Your bizarre sense of humor notwithstanding, let us answer your question with another question: If you were single-handedly constructing a 500 foot black and silver rocket ship, and your kid brother’s friend told you he could piss circles in the snow, would you stop to look? (top)

8. Are you as much of a jerk in real life as you seem on the inter-net?

A. One reason it’s so compelling to study our simian cousins is that they have an intelligence and social behavior that in many ways mirrors ours. Or, more specifically, yours. You see, as advanced as these hirsute, slope-browed relatives may be, we’re fairly certain that their reaction to Scamper Labs would be to throw rocks at it. So your reaction to Scamper Labs is nothing about which you should feel shame. It is simply the natural response—the defense mechanism if you will—that you employ as a simple tool to maintain your delusion that you are equal, worthy, happy and hopeful. Despite that, we somehow manage to be lovely. (top)

9. I’m buying a new computer. Will I be able to get Scamper Labs on my new computer?

A. Your enjoyment of the content produced by Scamper Labs is related to two things: the processing speed of your graphics coprocessor, and whether or not you’ve partaken to your daily fill of fine, fine absinthe. For this reason we would not only recommend that you purchase the fastest computer that funds will allow, but also keep a good supply of sugar cubes by your monitor. (top)

10. We’re moving to a different home. Will we be able to receive Scamper Labs after we move?

A. You underestimate the clever nature and tenacity of Scamper Labs. It knows that you are planning to move. It also knows where you’re moving. And finally, Scamper Labs is what convinced you to move in the first place. Whether or not you receive Scamper Labs is not really a choice for you at this point. (top)

11. I may be pregnant. Is Scamper Labs safe for potential mothers to use?

A. Rest easy, woman. You and your little gut monkey will be fine, even after repeated and prolonged exposure to Scamper Labs. It should be noted that many find the effects of Scamper Labs to be an essential part of prenatal development. Laboratory tests have confirmed that the various emanations that sluice from the gaping maw of Scamper Labs, though not fully understood, cause no irreparable damage to such materials as wood, concrete, steel or rubber. Tofu has been known to keep its consistency for upward of twelve minutes, and then is only lethal if ingested or handled. And while rage and madness have been observed in some test subjects, the vast majority continue to report a sense of bliss or euphoria, even after dermal liquification has set in. It’s true that some newborns have developed one or more tails, or cilia, however most are fully-grown in a matter of days, and no longer require external breathing apparati once their exoskeletons have hardened. (top)

Notes

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